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Coping with Birthdays and Holidays
By Rebecca Marler
A child’s celebration can be exhausting… to the PARENTS! Before that birthday, Christmas holiday or special anniversary appears on the calendar horizon again, start to lay some groundwork to improve your blood pressure.A gift-giving day lays a lot of precedent for your children. It teaches them that life isn’t quite fair: it can’t be your birthday everyday, you don’t always get every present you want, and sometimes events just don’t turn out how you imagined them to be.
So with each child’s birthday you are setting a precedent in your child’s head about how to behave with company, expectations about presents and holidays, and dealing with disappointments. It’s part of our socialization process that we cannot always be the center of attention.
ABOUT SIBLINGS...
If you have siblings, understand that you CANNOT make everything equal all the time. Sometimes it will be a siblings’ turn to have a birthday, or get a present, or get mommy and daddys’ attention. However, you can let each child know they are loved, unique, and whose opinion is respected.
If a child is having a bad time because a sibling is having a birthday, you must be firm but understanding. "Yes, Jacob I understand you want my attention, but at this time I am planning your sister’s birthday. I will have special time later for you." AND then give special one-on-one attention to the other child as you promised.
When a disruptive or sulky sibling hogs the attention at a party, the birthday child has every right to be upset. You must set boundaries.
If a sibling just can’t bear it, than it is time to start thinking of REMOVING him/her from the celebration. You might even want to consider removing a baby or small toddler if an older child has a birthday, so the emphasis isn’t on the "cute baby" who wants to grab presents and be inquisitive.
Send them off with a baby-sitter to a movie or park. Be sure not to let another parent go, because than you are still detracting from the birthday child’s special day if daddy/mommy can’t be there too.
I’m against giving a present to the birthday child’s sibling. This continues to foster the idea that if you whine enough you get a present too. However, you could buy a present that the two could share (a "public domain" present) or buy a "family present" such as a membership to the Zoo, a booklet of movie passes or something you can use together to celebrate each person's membership within the family. Let the sibling decide what this present will be.
Other options are open to a sibling: being the special helper, the announcer, the person who hands out favors, the door greeter, or any other "special" birthday job that is important.
Have the sibling prepare a special surprise, such as the clues to a treasure hunt or hiding favors around the house. Put the non-birthday child in the "Know" of it all and he/she will gloat over his/her secrets.
ABOUT PRESENTS…
What about the policy of giving presents? As a child in my parent’s home we simply did not give or receive birthday presents. I do think this is rather extreme because I LIKE birthday presents! There is some middle ground.
Make the birthday a special day, but shift the emphasis away from presents to the excitement of decorations, games, and having friends over to play with. Of course, kids will always love presents, but be sure to emphasis the other good times they had at the party.
Put a price limit on the gifts. It can be tiresome to buy a birthday present each month for a child that you barely know. Let other parents know about the price ceiling or if there is something that your child particularly wants. Leave the big-ticket items for grandparents or parents to buy.
Consider NOT opening presents during the party. The younger the child, the less control they have seeing another child getting goodies.
Set aside birthday money so your child can buy one toy of his/her choice AFTER the party. This may help with the letdown that naturally occurs after a big event such as a birthday.
Consider a birthday party with fewer presents. Have the only presents come from the parents and grandparents, and guests are not to bring presents. This cuts down on the carnage a bit.
Discuss with your child that sometimes we don’t get all the presents we want. Help them make a list of the five items he/she "really wants." Don’t rush out and buy all five, but a couple of them. Although this is a hard lesson to give, especially if you have the money, it is a sad fact of life that we cannot have all the things we want all the time.
We wonder, "isn’t it easier to give in?" But in the long run it isn’t! If a child thinks a birthday = presents, than don’t be surprised when jealously rears it’s ugly head or that the demands for presents gets higher and bigger.
ABOUT RESPECT AND LOVE
Shower LOVE and ATTENTION, instead of presents! Your attention, understanding and true caring for your child can mean much, much more than anything store-bought. This is especially good for children who feel crowded out by siblings or a parent’s work.
If you’re a working parent, take a day off from work to be with the birthday child, doing something special just with her… going to the Zoo, the amusement park, the museum, the movies… remember it’s only you two! Be sure to pick something you usually don’t do but that is simple… what about a picnic at a local lake or park?
Give RECOGNITION to the other guests. Have all the children recognize each child’s worth by stating something positive about the child and than having everyone cheer. Give a chance for each guest to be the center stage with a special "award" with the child's name.
Please DO THANK YOU’s! If your child can’t write, they can dictate! Put a handprint on the card or seal it with a wet kiss. It especially pleases in-laws and grandparents to be remembered. It further reinforces that gifts are a privilege not a given.
EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES...
Sometimes events can happen that overshadow a birthday or make it hard to plan. For instance, a pregnancy, a move, the death of a family member or pet, the loss of a job, lack of money, illness, or the birth of another child.If something unexpected or a crisis occurs so a child's birthday gets lost in the shuffle, make sure you recognize your birthday kid for the unique individual they are. Bring out the baby pictures and talk about how special his birth was and how much it meant to you. Do something one-on-one such as reading books together or making cookies or popcorn.
Have the birthday basics: a cake, one or two presents (even homemade!), and the attention of parents or other significant people in the family (for family members far away try a postcard, birthday card, or telephone call). If possible invite a special playmate over.
If your having a baby soon, please don't make comments that the "new baby is going to make it difficult to plan your birthday" or "this pregnancy really makes it hard to plan your birthday" or "the baby makes mommy too tired to do anything big for your birthday." Don't set up a situation of rivalry or jealousy between the unborn baby and your current child.This may not heal all the hurt of not having a huge birthday party with plenty of presents, but remember attention from you is still the number one present that a child wants.
MAKING OTHER SPECIAL DAYS...
Consider having other special days when presents are simply homemade ones or time spent together. This could be a Half-Birthday Party, a Gotcha Day (adoption dates), and "We are Family" Anniversaries.
This idea of a special day can be celebrated in many different ways. The emphasis here can be on all family members, including your extended family of grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins.
Go through the photo albums, watch home movies of the family, get a family photo-portrait made, make a dinner together, make a cassette tape of all of you talking about certain events or family stories, do a genealogy family tree, and reminisce over each person's birth into the family and how the parents' met.Make home-made presents that benefit the family or someone else, such as a retirement home where your grandmother lives, a floral arrangement for the grave of a beloved family member, or taking outgrown clothes to a shelter.
These other celebrations give kids a chance to see that a fun celebration can occur WITHOUT presents. It also gives a chance for the entire family to be involved in the planning and have some say-so. There is a family to be considered as well as the individual contributions that each provides.
An added benefit of having these other Special Family Days is that it shifts the emphasis away from a "once-a-year celebration where nothing can go wrong and everything has to be perfect."
If a birthday is downplayed due to a family crises, there will be another Special Day!
A SPECIAL NOTE TO MOM...
You plan these parties and want your children to be happy so this message is all for you Mistress Party-Planner!
Listen to what your child wants and, within reason, be generous. Make your child's day special and give it the attention it deserves. Remember the day you first held that newborn baby in your arms? No birthday date will ever be repeated.
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